People pleasing typically starts with pure intentions — wanting to help others or to be seen as someone dependable. But when you are always meeting others’ needs, it often comes at the expense of your own well-being.
In my own work, I often see this same issue arise. If you are struggling to say no to others, you are not alone, and you are not broken. People pleasing served a purpose at one point, but now it no longer serves you. Let’s talk about the common themes I see, and how we can break this cycle.
“It’s Not People Pleasing, I’m Just Doing the Right Thing”
Have you said something similar before? If so, let’s talk about it. We can often excuse people pleasing as doing the “right” thing, but what drives us to do either makes all the difference.
We start learning the difference between right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable, from a young age. This helps us behave in ways that connect us with others and help us fit in. Some of the things we learn are right include sharing, helping others, and being kind. Naturally, we turn to our parents for guidance and approval on these topics. We learn from what our parents value so we can fit in with them — but at some point, you are allowed to form your own values and beliefs. Why don’t we? It is scary! As humans, we naturally want to fit in with people, so we tend to follow others’ lead.
What Is the Difference Between People Pleasing and Doing the Right Thing?
Here is the tricky part: doing the right thing is guided by your own values. This means making choices based on your own beliefs, even when it goes against popular opinion.
On the other hand, people pleasing is rooted in fear — the fear of disappointing someone, being rejected, or being viewed negatively.
Only you are able to determine if something is right for you. Not your family, not your friends, and definitely not society.
For example, you might have been raised in a family that prioritized religion, and as you got older you realized that you are instead more spiritual. Guess what? That is okay! What is hurtful is continuing to force yourself into something that no longer aligns with who you are. It becomes exhausting when we keep doing things that no longer serve us. It is okay for you to change your mind.
People Pleasing Can Look Like:
- Saying yes when your plate is already overflowing
- Avoiding conflict with others
- Feeling responsible for others’ emotions
- Apologizing excessively
- A lack of personal boundaries
One argument that can be made is, “Well, I’m just trying to keep the peace.” But whose peace are you keeping? Definitely not your own.
Where Does People Pleasing Come From?
People pleasing can start at different points for everyone, but most commonly it forms from:
- Childhood experiences
- Family dynamics
- Fear of rejection and/or abandonment
- Cultural or societal expectations
- Self-esteem challenges
How Pleasing Others Hurts You
We build resentment. “I wish I could have me as a friend.” Have you ever thought this before? Let’s talk about the why. You are constantly accommodating others, and underneath that, you may feel frustrated when your efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated — that when you are finally the one who needs help, no one is there. Resentment can build when you are repeatedly sacrificing your own needs while others are unable to give that back.
Loss of identity. When we focus so much on others, we lose sight of who we are and what we enjoy doing. This is a common theme I see in my work. You are so focused on others, and then there’s a lull — these people get married, have kids, start demanding jobs — and you do not know what to do with this. You are so used to tending to others that you place your worth in the work you do for them, so when it is no longer needed, you feel that void.
Unbalanced relationships. When one person is constantly giving while the other is only receiving, we fall into an unbalanced relationship. A healthy relationship includes mutual care, respect, and consideration. When this is not mutual, it can lead us to feel lonely even in a close relationship. If this resonates, exploring common relationship conflicts or couples therapy may help.
How Can Therapy Help?
- Exploring the underlying fears and internalized beliefs about ourselves that formed in childhood
- Building self-confidence so that when we disagree with others, we do not second-guess ourselves
- Establishing healthy boundaries so that you have time to tend to your own needs — sounds nice, right?
- Learning assertive communication skills to help you share how you are feeling with others in a kind way
Individual therapy is often a good place to start this work. You may also find it helpful to read about how individual counseling supports self-worth and anxiety.
Final Thoughts
At some point in your life, you may have learned to please others in order to protect yourself, feel safe, be accepted, or feel loved. While this strategy may have helped you navigate difficult experiences in the past, it may now be holding you back from meeting your own needs. By setting boundaries, honoring your own needs, and trusting yourself, you can build relationships that feel more authentic and fulfilling. You deserve connections where you are valued for who you are, not just what you do for others.
If you’re ready to start this work, we’re here to help. Book a free consultation with one of our licensed therapists today.
